I went to see a healer a few months ago who told me that she often had eureka moments about her clients and the cause of their problems. She was one of the most incredible ladies I have ever met. Discreet, gentle and unassuming, someone you probably wouldn’t notice if you passed her on the street and yet I would say a healer in the true sense of the word. She gave me an Indian Head Massage tailored with Reiki elements that left me in a state of deep relaxation, and as I left she said to me:
You have the gift of determination inside you, it’s really beautiful. I don’t know whether you use it or not.
Now as I am sure it was meant to, it has turned over in my mind ever since. We all have parts of ourselves that we have suppressed. Parts that were not safe to display when we were growing up. Our parents would scold us for using certain skills, displaying certain emotions or just generally being or doing things at moments that were inconvenient to them. I know this because I have found myself doing the exact things to my own children.
We are all of us caught in this psychological and behavioural ellipse.
For me my self confidence, or lack there of, came from the moulding into something I wasn’t. It wasn’t safe to be me. My opinions, wants and desires, from a young age, were not: acceptable, appropriate, available or possible.
I don’t blame my parents let me hasten to add. We are all of us caught in this psychological and behavioural ellipse where we strive to create a future for ourselves in the best way possible and in ways that are acceptable to those around us and to society at large.
I love my parents very much, for their differences for their similarities; and I have long since reconciled myself to their many traits that I have absorbed into my being and that define my character, neuroses and all. I do not see them as the cause of my poor confidence but as cohorts within the Elliptical orbits of the mind.
We all have this inner darkness, a part of ourselves we suppress.
I am happy to say that I have found my confidence since having received that healing advice. I have accepted the determination within me that I perceived as darkness and in so doing have achieved something I had in the past felt unworthy to. I have achieved the power to direct my own destiny.